Priorities
June 26th, 2008 |managing the work, family, race teeter totter is just too much. I can’t put the time in I need to be fast and can’t put the time in to be a good dad.
Ahhhh…the eternal struggle.
It’s easy to live the life of a bike racer when you are single. Other than work and maybe a few dates time is all yours. Ride when you want, as much as you want, race every race on the calendar, no one cares. You have the killer form and can race all season long.
Once you get involved in a relationship things start to change. It’s still possible to ride, and ride a lot, but you start to have to pick some events that you won’t regret missing. That race with the big climb that you always get dropped on, that crit with the sketchy corner, all those time trials because time trials suck ass anyway. Instead of racing you find yourself attending in-law birthday parties and going on vacations without your bike. You still have great fitness but you might find yourself starting the season late or finishing early.
When kids come along bigger changes happen. Even just one weekend day spent all day on the bike is no longer possible. If you continue to care about racing and training you have to be even more dedicated to a training program to make it happen. More races are skipped, you ride in weather that you would otherwise pass on because it’s your only chance to ride, you take advantage of any opportunity you have because your options start to dry up fast. You don’t have the fitness you used to have and you may get frustrated by your lack of results or riding and racing opportunities.
And there it is, you are now faced with the decision. What is more important, being there to support the family or the time on the bike?
There is a difference between exercising and training. There is a difference between being fit and being an athlete. If you have not been there then you don’t know what it’s like to have a compulsion to train, a compulsion to compete, the desire to be right on the knife’s edge and in the best shape of your life. It’s addictive like a drug.
But the question remains, what is more important, being there to support the family or the time on the bike?
The answer is easy and obvious of course, but it can still be difficult to reconcile in your head. Lots of time and energy is spent trying to figure out how you can still stay on top of your game. Late night training sessions, getting up early for big rides, convincing your wife to let you out this weekend for a century ride with a promise to spend the entire next day doing house work. It can work, for a while.
Then your wife gets sick, or the baby gets sick, or you get sick. You have to work extra hours on a project. Something happens, something always does, and you have to cancel your ride or race plans. You get into a hole that you can’t dig out of. You start to lose your form so you train harder with the limited time you have. Then you over train and burn out and that’s it. Your attitude about riding goes into the dumper.
The other decision you can make is that you devote less time to your family so you can keep riding and training. You have the kill form on the bike and keep winning bike races. But your wife hates you and your kids don’t know who you are. You are officially a loser.
Fundamentally, if you want a happy life, it’s a easy choice and the more time you spend at home as your kids get older the more obvious the choice is and the more comfortable you are in the choice you made. Being with your family is more enjoyable than any ride or race. It’s the single most rewarding experience of your entire life and the pay back is far greater than winning some stupid bike race could ever be.
Not to say you have to give up the bike. Riding has its place. Stress relief, exercise and even some time away from the kids is important to keep your head clear. It’s important for both dad and mom so make sure you take extra time with the kids in order to allow your partner to get the same time away. It’s also important to send your kids a message that exercise is important and something that is good to do. Who knows, maybe in a few years they will want to ride with you.
You can even still race some. Just lower your sights, change your goals, be comfortable with being pack fill and sometimes getting dropped. Try something new like racing the track, MTB or cyclocross. If you are new at it you are going to suck anyway so give it a try.
Life lasts a long time and there will be plenty of opportunities later to be an athlete again. Being a parent, and a good parent at that, is a one shot deal. Do yourself a huge favor, don’t miss out on it.
24 Responses to “Priorities”
so…
Attack Wah in the next race-he’s cracking.
fpa
Ain’t that a bitch? Parenting, the toughest job you’ll ever love.
Holy Crap, this sounded like my life. The ironic thing about parenting and riding/training/racing is the you have to do more planning along with being more flexible because things come up, they always do.
I moved away from the Minnesota for 6 years and during that time I did not have any kids and I raced all of the time. When I raced Master’s 35+ I would see all of these dads show up with their families, like 2 and 3 kids. What I could not figure out is how these guys were racing so well. Certainly their kids do not ever see them as these guys must have training between 15-20 hours per week.
The really funny thing about amateur bike racing is that it’s about your ego, there is no prizes, money or glory big enough to overcome being a bad father to your children.
You are so right Smithers. Spending time with your family should be a priority for all of us.
C’mon everybody…let’s meet at Smithers’ house tonight so we can all spend more time with his family!
hence why I still want to see a TdF or similar stage race with Burley’s and 1 to 3 year olds as “ballast”.
Bathroom breaks, snack breaks, tantrum breaks… makes going up something like L’Alpe d’Huez a lot more interesting.
let’s meet at Smithers’ house tonight so we can all spend more time with his family!
You’ll want to run that past the CEO first.
Thanks for the post, Smithers. Amazingly on target.
Is this your way of copping out of track tonight?
I’ve always thought there should be handicapped races based on responsibilities. For every kid you get 10 meters, for hours worked over 40 you get 10 meters, for a wife you get 10 meters for an ex-wife you get 20 meters, for every race you promote you get 10 meters, for every volunteer activity you do you get 10 meters, for going to school while doing all the above you get 10 meters, for every Andy Kruse blog comment you get 10 meters….
Yep it’s hard. I have 3 kids. work a lot. Race some. Do ok.
Know I could do better if I spent more than 6or7 hrs max on a bike a week. Try to achieve the balance and have some fun. Cramp a lot. Sometimes fight a little with the wife about it all. Try to carve out some time. I think my kids might find me awfully boring if I didn’t race a little. I like riding with them too.
Wow, at first I thought you were going to announce your plans to divorce. Phew, what a relief. Good article.
Participation in life is the prize. And the fun and long term health benefits are worth it even if you’re just doing everything to keep up on the Sunday ride.
The one thing that creeped me out in racing was the level of sociopathic behaviour: the wannabes who never put in the time to train but would call you up years later claiming you owed them because they sacrificed their careers for you, the dad’s who’d slap their kids around at races, or worse brought megaphones to ‘critique’ their efforts. I always wondered if I was as crazy. But then you’d meet people who really had it together. People who you could clearly see it made their lives better and improved the lives of others through competing.
Just eat less.
Coming from a cyclist and wife of a cyclist, you couldn’t have summed it up for perfectly.
When I’m 60 yrs old and looking back on my life will I be more proud of the time I took to become the best cyclist I could be or the best mom and wife.
Still that said, in the day to day, the balance is hard to achieve.
quit blogging.
there’s 12hrs a week right there.
We all said that this day would come, now he just needs to get a mountain bike and race on dirt. Don’t give up just change your discipline.
Dear B2B,
Thanks for going straight at the last State Fair Crit.
Thanks,
Cat1/2/3 Field
yeah, that was a dumb move. no explanation. guilty.
suprized you where still there to see it. hell, that was 3/4 into the first lap. personal record?
only kidding.. i kid the super rookie.
quit blogging.
Blasphemer!
I quit once, it was too stressful.
Dear B2B,
Thanks for thinking that it was 3/4 of a lap, because I was just really stoked that it was 1/2 a lap. Now, I am that much faster…in my mind.
Also, your team leader seemed really grumpy when I tried talking with him about it.
Thanks,
Super Rookie
Dear Super Rookie,
B2B’s gaff happened two weeks ago. Why did it take you so long to comment? You’ve got to move more quickly on these things. C’mon, keep the standards high.
Also, our leader MV is gruff and quiet by nature. The perky, chatty Mark of the team is me. Now you know.
Thanks,
Mark D
It helps to have an understanding and supportive wife. I tell her about all my races and training, whether she cares or not, so she can be part of it.
I also do a lot of late-night training after the kids go to bed. Or on my lunch break. Never early in the morning though, that’s for squares.
actually there should not be any races over 2 laps.
Sounds like whinning to me.
You forgot to add 5 meters for every year over 40.
I’ve got 3 kids over 10 years old, working for the man, blah blah blah. I’m not getting any faster, but that’s besides the point. Sure, I’d like to ride my bike a lot more in this seemingly futile pursuit of “results” (there’s always someone faster, right?), so I balance the best I can. I see people bagging it before they are even 40 years old, and to me that’s just sad.
You shouldn’t take yourselves so seriously. It sounds like you’re more afraid of losing your shiznit bike racer reputation. No excuses. No whining. Just show up and do your best. Be challenged. Have fun.
My wife says to me all the time “Go do your thing. Come back happy”. I admit it isn’t so easy to do that sometimes because of my own expectations. I think she understands this thing better than I do.
Dear Mark,
Thanks, I am a bit slow (on the bike and off) with this wedding thing. Which reminds me, this is my last season of racing bicycles.
Thanks,
Super Rookie